Struggling with Loneliness as a Side A Gay Christian

When I first accepted that I was gay, I initially thought that I might be able to get on without another gay man by my side. This belief stuck with me probably because I was still, quite honestly, terrified of my sexuality and what it meant for the future. I was scared enough to almost buy into the lie that I “chose” to be gay, when in reality, all I did was finally accept that I truly am not a straight guy.

Nobody in their right mind “chooses” to be gay. I’m sick and tired of hearing people say that. I never wanted to be gay, and if I could suddenly “choose” to be straight, I would. I actually begged God numerous times in the first months after coming out to change me if He wasn’t pleased with my orientation, and clearly, He refused to.

Heck, to put my orientation to the test, I even tried to imagine myself in a romantic relationship with various female friends of mine. And of course, that didn’t work either.

What’s a Gay Christian to Do?

Over the past three years, I’ve visited numerous Christian pages that assert that a gay Christian is more or less obligated, by the nature of their orientation, to be celibate for life. That is, the individuals who asserted this believe that God’s law demands that we abstain from same-sex relationships whatsoever.

Chances are, this belief is rooted in two verses:

  1. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
  2. “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? (Matthew 19:4-5)

Of importance to the aforementioned belief is the second listed verse, which came from Jesus Himself. Without a doubt, anything that comes from the mouth of the Lord Himself has utmost credibility.

For this reason, from what I’ve read, Side B gay Christians (those who assert that God’s will for gay Christians is celibacy, no exceptions) and non-affirming straight Christians both believe that it is our “calling” to be single for life.

One of the ways this belief has been asserted is that our orientation is a “cross to bear”. Gay Christians who hold this interpretation of their orientation believe that their homosexuality is something they will struggle with until the day they die.

Is it Really a “Cross”?

Before I go any further, as a disclaimer, I have no intention of ever personally attacking any other gay Christian for whatever stance they have regarding God’s law on gay relationships. They have every right to believe what they do, no matter how much I disagree with them.

That being said, I have struggled to not allow myself to get quite irritable when I read statements that all gay Christians must be celibate, no matter how much they struggle with loneliness, because it’s our “cross to bear”.

Like I’ve already said, I was initially leery and terrified of my sexuality because I knew it was, and will continue to shape my future in ways that I might not understand. But for goodness’ sake, I’ve never once seen it as a painful “cross to bear”.

The only “cross to bear” that my homosexuality has given me is the malice, cruelty and prejudice I’ve had to deal with from everyday scumbags who see my orientation as an excuse to demonize me.

Celibacy isn’t My Calling

I tried for a while to believe that I could make myself be happy remaining single forever. After all, I hadn’t had a single romantic relationship in high school whatsoever, so surely I could continue that phenomenon for quite some time.

No. That was, to be blunt, one of the most asinine things I ever believed about myself. Just in the last three years, there have been too many occasions when the loneliness I’ve felt over not having the right partner in my life reached such an extreme that myself and several of the closest people in my life were worried about my wellbeing. In all honesty, I was worried during these times that I was clinically depressed, because I felt so hollow.

Every time a well-meaning friend says to me that they believe that God’s path for me is to avoid gay relationships, every time I read another online site stating that it isn’t God’s will for same-sex couples to be together, I remember these moments of emptiness and I refuse to listen. I can’t for the life of me believe that God would rather me feel constantly depressed than have me be with the right guy in His eyes.

Lonely Summer Days

For some reason, summer seems to the the season when loneliness hits me the hardest, now that I’ve reflected on my loneliness enough. I think that the biggest factors into this are being away from university, constantly seeing other happy young couples together, and my inability to easily access areas where other gay men are free to safely socialize together.

I’ve taken notes on my dreams for a long time now, and I’ve noticed recurring themes in my summer dreams pertaining to my loneliness:

  • Above all, the vast majority of my summer dreams had me wrapped up in warm embraces with various guys, both ones that I know in real life and others that were merely dream characters
  • Kissing, of course, was a theme in these dreams too, and still is
  • Finding myself surrounded with other non-straight men who ensured that I was welcomed as a part of their group

After analyzing these recurring themes, I realized something that should’ve been more quickly obvious to me: the warm instances of physical affection in these dreams were probably a constant recurrence because I have such an utter lack of physical affection with other guys whatsoever.

The truth about what these dreams mean to me is that they may have been my emotional survival throughout those lonely summer days. And as I’ve mentioned in another blog post, God’s choice to send Heavenly assistance in the form of Michael the Archangel as an uplifting big-brother figure in my dreams was vital for the sake of fighting off the worst times of sadness back then.

Physical Affection Starvation and Loneliness

There is a stark difference between the social environments of my high school and university that go beyond the more obvious factors, such as the size of the student population. The one that stands out to me the most is how openly affectionate we were with each other in high school versus how subdued physical interactions are across my college campus.

In high school, I exchanged multiple hugs with various fellow students daily, both my male and female friends. Now, in all honesty, none of these hugs with other male students were romantic, unless I was mistaken.

But here at my university, I’ve noticed that guys are rarely seen engaging in any act of physical affection that goes beyond handshaking and bumping fists. The embraces that do occur are quite brief.

As a gay student at this university, I can attest that, perhaps due to the region of the state we’re in, “silent homophobia” as I call it is a common occurrence within the student population. By that, I mean that the trademark scornful glare that homophobes give LGBTQ people is something that I’ve seen from many students, both male and female. That might be a factor that fuels male students into reducing the amount of affection they show each other in public.

In all sincerity, mainly due to the aforementioned air of homophobia at my university, I’m typically too hesitant to seek the same amount of embraces that I was used to at high school. And just the lack of that has definitely been a major factor in the loneliness that I’ve developed since coming out.

As for the gay dating scene on my campus, I honestly have no idea how it works. Because of my busy schedule, I realized and only in the last year accepted that attempting to add a boyfriend into the mess of my college life would likely lead to me imploding from the stress of trying to balance it all.

But of course, I still ache for that. The problem is, however, that no matter how much I yearn for the right guy to merely walk into my life at college, it simply hasn’t happened. And it’s likely that now isn’t the right time. No matter how much it hurts not having the right guy by my side right now, I can’t afford to go searching for him when I need to focus on my studies.

A Future Without Love is a Nightmare to Me

It is a mystery to me, without any intention to come off as condescending, how any other gay man who doesn’t have the capacity to remain forever celibate can survive without a partner. I’m certain that there are plenty of gay Christians out there who have that gift of celibacy, but I’m definitely not one of them.

I can’t begin to imagine what the toll on my emotional and mental health would be if I tried to go my whole life without having a partner to rely on for the affection that I clearly need. To be honest, the notion seems hellish.

Denying my loneliness for the sake of pleasing Christians who don’t agree with gay relationships is only going to cause me further emotional harm. While I’m not out to cause conflicts, I’m not a masochist, and I have no desire to repress my desire for a gay soulmate just so others can be happy with what they see in me.

I trust God to guide me to whomever He needs me to be with, and naturally, He will always come first. After all, it’s always been my Father in Heaven who has lifted me up during the sadder times in my recent life, not a guy.

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One thought on “Struggling with Loneliness as a Side A Gay Christian

  1. Pingback: The Outcome of Rev. Karen Oliveto’s Church Trial | Quis ut Deus?

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